My Journey: I Choose Love

   

Every time I drive back into Candelaria after time away, I feel my heart just flood with gratitude for the life that the Lord has called me to here. My heart just swells with love for this village and the people here. Every single time. While all of that still happened when I returned home a couple weeks ago, it was also filled with much more hurt as I came home to all the tragedy that was happening in Jayson’s life and family.

   
On Thursday morning (2 weeks ago; my 2nd day back in Candelaria) Diego told me that Jayson had slipped into a coma (To read more on this story, read: Fighting for LIFE). I walked quietly back to my room, slid down to the floor beside my bed, buried my head in my knees and just started sobbing. I hurt for sweet Jayson and for his family, but if I’m being completely honest I was also thinking “Lord I’m just not ready. I’m not ready to walk through this again. I’m not ready to lose another child I love so soon after Anthony.”

    This has been a year so filled with loss and truthfully it’s wearing down my heart. My life this past year has been hit with one major loss after another. Each new loss brings with it a tidal wave of grief and mourning that just seem to overpower my heart.

   But it is the Lord who sustains me. So I got alone with Him. I turned on worship music and then just sat in His presence. I cried. I poured out my heart completely… all that I felt. All the hurt. All the grief. Then I just sat. I just sat and soaked in the beauty of who He is.

   He is LOVE. Love is the essence of my God. Because it’s the essence of my God, it’s also the source of life itself. As I sat in the midst of absolutely unconditional love, I realized that the only life worth living is love. Yes, it is love that has opened the door to all the hurt my heart has endured this year, but it is also that same love that makes my life worth living.
   As I sat with Jesus, my heart continued to cry out, “I’m not ready. I can’t do this again. I can’t lose another child that I love this year.” I cried until my heart was cried out and then behind the tears, came a wave of peace. The peace of God begin to fill every crevice of my heart. I realized that I would NEVER trade all the hurt that I felt over losing Anthony if it meant losing the chance to know him to to love him. I feel the same way about Jayson.
   Love is the only life worth living and I will embrace it, along with all its pain and loss because it’s the only thing that is LIFE.
    Yes my heart is hurting again immensely. Yes, I’ve sat
several times on the floor in my room and just sobbed before the Lord.
But I also know that this is the life I want to live. The Lord, His
Kingdom, and loving His precious children are the only thing that
matter. And I want that life no matter how much it hurts sometimes. The
Lord is sustaining me. He is filling me with more and more of His love
and giving me the strength to endure way more hurt in one year’s time
than I thought my heart was capable of enduring.     

   The Lord is able to give me all that I need in all times and all circumstances through His grace. And so my confession is this: I choose LOVE with all it’s pain and loss and fullness of life every
time. It’s the only life worth living. Losing Jayson would hurt again so
much, but I would choose loving him again a 1000 times over. It’s SO
worth it!!! They’re so worth it! You are so worth it Jesus- worth it
all!