My Journey: Confronting Selfishness

   
I am finally getting back to writing about my personal journey with the Lord. I always hate writing these types of blogs, but I think it’s good for me to share these things as well. For other posts on my personal journey, read Living in Community, Loneliness, and the Lord, Walking in the Way of the Cross, Learning to Long, Strong Enough to Stand in His Love, You are God and I am Not)

   Lately the Lord has really been exposing a lot of selfishness in my life. Living in intense community has a way of showing all the selfishness that is buried inside your heart (I have heard that anyone who is married can testify to this truth). Three years ago, when I was on the World Race I wrote a blog (read A Large Mirror) about the things that community living was doing in me. As with everything in our walk with the Lord, we are always being sanctified and purified in deeper and deeper ways. There are things that I think I have addressed in my walk with Him only to have those things reappear later for an even deeper cleansing and purification. I can see selfishness rearing it’s ugly head in my heart once again.
   If I’m being completely honest, often times in the deepest parts of my heart, I use what I am doing in my life as justification for the rights to which I selfishly cling. I feel entitled to cling to these seemingly small desires and creature comforts in light of the other things that I am giving up on a daily basis by living in a foreign culture and uncomfortable surroundings. Many times I don’t even see how much selfishness lies in this grasping that my heart feels for these small things. It’s only when I am in the presence of truly selfless people that the selfishness in me is so clearly visible.
   Two weeks ago,  I was with my cousin Stacy on a dream trip in Aruba (thanks Aunt Anna and Uncle Jon for inviting us to join you!) Stace is sincerely one of the most selfless people I have ever met. She is thoughtful and always considers the needs of others before her own. Just being in her presence, even as we are lounging on the beach and vacationing, exposed so much selfishness in my own motives and actions. During this week I began to pray again in earnest that the Lord would continue to expose and remove all of the selfish motives in my heart. I began praying Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
   The Lord has been answering that prayer. For the past two weeks, He has continually been calling me to examine my motives. And I do not necessarily like what I have discovered…
 
   Barb, Whit, and I have been meeting together for Bible study every Friday morning for months talking about how we can be women of God. This week’s study presented the question “Do I live the the constant, conscious awareness of the presence of God?” My truthful answer had to be a resounding NO; I don’t even come close to living in constant awareness of His presence. I have been asking the Lord to help me to live constantly in His presence; every moment thinking of His Kingdom and glory. I have been asking the Lord to help me to live with this one pure and holy passion. I want that, but my heart feels so far from living in that awareness of Him.
   A couple days later, another opportunity arose to guard my own desires or to lay them down to show the Lord’s love. It was Emerson’s birthday and it was POURING rain. I had just showered. The water has been in and out so much lately that a real shower was a precious commodity and I didn’t know when I would have the opportunity again. Whit suggested that we walk to Emerson’s house and sing to him. We knew that today would be a difficult day for him because, while it was his birthday, the day also marked 4 months since Anthony’s drowning. Also with the pouring rain Emerson would most likely be separated from his friends. I knew as soon as Whit suggested that I should go. I knew that Emerson needed it. I knew that all my reasons for not going were completely self-centered and petty. And yet I just didn’t want to go.
   I knew it was purely selfishness, but there was this resolute desire that rose up in me to stay in my house. To avoid the rain and mud and long walk to the neighboring village at night. The internal debate continued although I knew in the depths of my heart that I really needed to go. Eventually (after nearly 10 minutes of excuses and waiting and hoping the Lord would say something different) I agreed to go. And in a huge blessing from the Lord, I walked out the door to go to Emerson’s house and he was already here so we were able to celebrate with him at our own house.
   It’s not so much about the end result, but the motives of my heart. I want my heart to be filled with the desires that fill the Lord’s heart. So I will continue to ask the Lord to expose my selfishness so that I can repent of it and walk more like He walked.