Through all this that happened this past week with Anthony (read the story here: drowning, closure, and stories). I have really been struggling as you all already know. The first few days I didn't want to be alone. I was afraid of feeling the full weight of the overwheming emotions that I was experiencing. I literally didn't spend ANY time alone the first 3 days after Anthony died. The World Race team was so good about coming around me during that time.
   However, I knew that eventually I would have to get alone with the Lord and allow myself to really process all that was happening and all that I was feeling. On Friday, my best friend Steph was flying in to Nicaragua to be with me during all the grieving. The 3-hour cab ride to Managua seemed like a perfect time to start processing. Two of the World Race team members had sent me off with scriptures to read and a journal to borrow (since mine was stolen last month).

  I climbed into the back of the cab, drowned out the outside world with worship music pumping from my ipod, and began to ask the Lord to speak to me. I started reading through the Psalms that one of the World Racers had marked for me. I was reading through Psalm 115 when I came across this verse, "Why should the nations say, 'Where is their God?' Our God is in the heavens and He does all that He pleases." (Psalm 115:2-3) My first thought was to be angry. I was so tired of hearing that the Lord does as He pleases or that the things that happen are just His will. It just made me pissed off that people would say it pleases the Lord for Anthony to die alone in the water struggling for his life. However, I was really ready yet for this screaming match with the Lord so I just swallowed my anger and kept reading.
  I read through the rest of Psalm 115 and started into Psalm 116. In the middle of 116 I came across this verse, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." (Psalm 116:17) This verse stopped me in my tracks. I sat in the back of the cab rereading it over and over with tears streaming down my cheeks. I realized how small my perspective is. It's still so hard for me to see past this world and into eternity.
   I read through the end of Job where Job is just ranting at the Lord (and so many of his sentiments rang true in my heart) and then made myself read through the Lord's response to Job. I read through chapter after chapter as the Lord says, "Where you there when...? Do you know...?" I sat there feeling smaller and smaller in the presence of the Almighty and All-Knowing God. The more I read the more I realized how little I truly know and understand. How can I question the Lord when honestly I don't have the ability to understand His ways?

  After reading through God's response to Job, I wrote this declaration in my journal: