Through all this that happened this past week with Anthony (read the story here: drowning, closure, and stories). I have really been struggling as you all already know. The first few days I didn’t want to be alone. I was afraid of feeling the full weight of the overwheming emotions that I was experiencing. I literally didn’t spend ANY time alone the first 3 days after Anthony died. The World Race team was so good about coming around me during that time.
However, I knew that eventually I would have to get alone with the Lord and allow myself to really process all that was happening and all that I was feeling. On Friday, my best friend Steph was flying in to Nicaragua to be with me during all the grieving. The 3-hour cab ride to Managua seemed like a perfect time to start processing. Two of the World Race team members had sent me off with scriptures to read and a journal to borrow (since mine was stolen last month).
I climbed into the back of the cab, drowned out the outside world with worship music pumping from my ipod, and began to ask the Lord to speak to me. I started reading through the Psalms that one of the World Racers had marked for me. I was reading through Psalm 115 when I came across this verse, “Why should the nations say, ‘Where is their God?’ Our God is in the heavens and He does all that He pleases.” (Psalm 115:2-3) My first thought was to be angry. I was so tired of hearing that the Lord does as He pleases or that the things that happen are just His will. It just made me pissed off that people would say it pleases the Lord for Anthony to die alone in the water struggling for his life. However, I was really ready yet for this screaming match with the Lord so I just swallowed my anger and kept reading.
I read through the rest of Psalm 115 and started into Psalm 116. In the middle of 116 I came across this verse, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” (Psalm 116:17) This verse stopped me in my tracks. I sat in the back of the cab rereading it over and over with tears streaming down my cheeks. I realized how small my perspective is. It’s still so hard for me to see past this world and into eternity.
I read through the end of Job where Job is just ranting at the Lord (and so many of his sentiments rang true in my heart) and then made myself read through the Lord’s response to Job. I read through chapter after chapter as the Lord says, “Where you there when…? Do you know…?” I sat there feeling smaller and smaller in the presence of the Almighty and All-Knowing God. The more I read the more I realized how little I truly know and understand. How can I question the Lord when honestly I don’t have the ability to understand His ways?
After reading through God’s response to Job, I wrote this declaration in my journal:
Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your personal journey. I have that verse Ps. 116:17 on my refrigerator. It comforted me in a similar way when my close freind died of cancer at age 45 with a 10 year old daughter left behind as well as two grown daughters and two little grandsons. I was heart broken and so angry. But that verse helped me so much. Knowing that God loves our loved ones so much more than we do and still allows such suffering…it is such a difficult concept to wrap our minds around, but that is God, too big for our human understanding…May He continue to heal you all as you process this great loss. Love in Christ, Jennifer
my dear sister, i love you so much and know that He will continue to meet you in your grief and minister directly to your heart. so, SO glad steph and the racers could be there with you. wish i could be too. you’re an amazing woman of God and such a blessing to the candelaria community & new song’s ministry. love and am proud of you and that you persevere in the face of many recent trials.
~katie
Lisa
So happy you are beginning to receive comfort through God’s word. In all that has happened the last couple of weeks and especially with Anthony,my heart has had to say, “God I don’t understand this but I trust you and know you are soverign” As you understand that, God begins to walk you through a journey of healing.
It has also helped my heart to know and believe that Anthony was the happiest he had ever been in his life. These last years as he came to know Christ and walk with Him were Anthony’s best. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all say in death that we left this world during the best years of our lives. So many leave this world durning times of hurt, confusion, or deep inner pain, Anthony left during a time of rejoicing in his life. You had much to do with giving him those best years, Lisa. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that.
I love you, honey and am still praying for comfort and peace for your heart.
Momma
Thanks as always for sharing. I love you friend.
“So alive and so loved.” I needed that perspective as well. Thanks Lisa.