My Journey: Strong Enough to Stand in His Love

   Honestly, I have put off writing this blog post for some time. So long, in fact, that two ideas have now merged into one. The truth is (and I know I have said this before) is that I hate to write personal blogs. It comes so naturally to put into words the things that the Lord is doing in New Song and in the lives of people in the community. However, when it comes to the things the Lord is doing in my heart is always just feels messy, discombobulated, and jumbled. It’s always difficult to put it into clear and concise words that other people can understand. Then there is the added problem of wanting to be vulnerable and honest in my blogs, but not feeling 100% comfortable completely exposing my heart online for all the world to see. It’s this internal battle that keeps a lot of my personal blog posts half-written and never published. For the sake of personal disclosure and honesty, I’m going to attempt to put into words all of the things that the Lord has been speaking to my heart. So, here we go…

   Over the last couple of months, I have taken on new roles here at New Song Mission. I love the new things that I am doing, but it has definitely made things so much busier. I am learning to balance all over again: to balance discipleship with the youth, relationships in the community, Adopt-a-Student, youth teaching, supporter communication, and my personal time. For the most part, I just feel like I’m constantly behind on everything! I feel like I’ve had a hard time keeping up with my mission and communication stuff and an even harder time taking the personal time that I need. For me, personal time always seems to be the first place to get cut. Quickly followed by all desk/computer work (anything that keeps me locked in my room and away from my relationships).
   Of course, my relationships are the most important part of my ministry and what my heart longs to dive into the most. However, I am definitely feeling the strain on my heart of not taking enough personal time- not sleeping enough and not soaking up the Lord’s presence enough. I am beginning to feel a weakness in my body and in my spirit. I am beginning to feel fairly exhausted and drained.
   I see this weakness seeping out in different areas. I could go into several different examples, but I’ll stick with just one… last week when we were at our youth retreat, things had gotten so busy and I was on edge trying to look after all of the youth and just hadn’t been able to have good time alone with the Lord. To make matters worse, I had barely slept the night before (any of you that know me well know how well I function without sleep). When I haven’t been alone with the Lord, the first thing that happens is that it becomes impossible to know who I am, to rest in my identity in Him.
   So, here I am, already feeling weak in my spirit, and then I am in a culture that talks SO harshly to one another. I can’t even count the number of times that I have been called fat or told that my face is starting to look old or talked about like I am just scolding the kids all of the time. Usually these things don’t bother me at all because I know how much the kids talk out of their hurt. However like I said, on this particular day I was already feeling weak, so when the same accusations and lies kept coming at me one after another after another I just burst into tears. I felt so ridiculous bursting into tears like that (especially when I knew that the girl who had said this particular thing was only joking), but nevertheless, there I was sitting in this cabin room just sobbing.  
   After this, I decided that I was in serious need of some time with Jesus. So I headed out to the woods with my Bible, journal, and ipod. I just sat there asking the Lord to surround me with His presence and speak His love over me. I just sat there with worship music playing in my ears listening for His voice. The song “Hold Me Now” by Jennifer Knapp came on. I came to the second half of the song and just let the tears stream down my face as the Lord spoke to me. The song proclaimed,

“To say that My bride isn’t worth half the blood that I’ve spilled. Point your finger and laugh if you will to say My beloved is borrowed and used. She is strong enough to stand in my love. I can hear her say ‘I’m weak. I am poor. I’m broken, but Lord I am Yours. Hold me now. Hold me now.'”

   The Lord had been speaking to me for some time about tenacious waiting (Read My Journey: Learning to Long to find out more). Now He was beginning to speak of the strength that is required to stand in His love. Speaking over my heart that I am strong enough to stand in His love. There is a tenaciousness required to choose to hear His voice, to abide in the fountain of His love, and to stand there. The Word says in Ephesians 6:13, as Paul is speaking on spiritual warfare, “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” You stand. You do all you can to battle back. And then you stand some more. There is a resolute, unwavering quality to walking with the Lord.
   It requires a passionate pursuit of the Lord’s presence. It requires allowing His voice to drown out all of the other voices (no matter how loudly or frequently they come). It’s hard, but I’m learning. I’m learning how completely dependent I am on Him. I’m learning how much I need His presence. I’m learning to rest and to stand in His love. I’m learning that I am strong enough to stand in His love even when other voices contradict His truth.