My Journey: Seeking Serenity

    This well-known adaptation of Richard Neihbur's prayer has been on my heart a lot this past week. The most difficult part of this prayer for me is that first line: to possess serenity in accepting the things that I cannot change. My heart longs for redemption and restoration. I desire to be a part of building God's Kingdom here on this earth. In particular my heart cries out for the restoration of family and for children to know that they are  loved immeasurably. 

    And yet, I have come to the heartbreaking discovery that there are moments and situations in which I am powerless to bring forth real change. And my heart breaks every time…

   I have been struggling a lot in my relationship with sweet Jasmina and baby Katalin this week (pictured right). I love these two girls with all of my heart!! My heart just longs for redemption to come to their lives. In the last two years, I have been through so many ups and downs with these two. Moments that just wreck my heart and moments when I sing forth in joy because it appears that redemption is rising on the horizon. You can read a few of the stories here: The Road to Relationship & Redemption, Conversations of the Heart, Protecting Innocence- Part 2, and When Life is Hard, There is Hope- Part 4.
    As much as I long to see this redemption come to their little family, my heart was reminded this week that restoration and change will not come until Jasmina really desires it. I cannot force her to want something different, something better. And until she longs for something MORE, there really isn't much that I can do for them.

   Every time that hope was peeked through the clouds of abuse, addiction, and hopelessness, my heart has rejoiced and run forward believing that full redemption and abundant life are possible. And my heart breaks every single time that Jasmina chooses to retreat back behind those familiar clouds carrying precious Katalin along with her. The day that I thought I would get to keep Katalin for a few days and then Jasmina came to get her just a few hours later. I watched them walk away returning to a home of violence and abuse. And the tears just slid silently down my cheeks. My heart rejoiced as I returned from the States to discover that Jasmina had ended her relationship with her abusive boyfriend. She talked as though she was really finished and ready for a better life for herself and her daughter. And now I'm watching as she returns once again to this life of violence and abuse carrying Katalin along with her. Once again I can't hold back my tears.

     Jasmina told me that she was done with her relationship this time. She had kicked him out. He left the village. She had begun looking for a job, a way to support herself and her daughter. Even though she said she was finished with her relationship, my heart began to fear as he started hanging around more and more often at her house. She continued to tell me that they weren't together; he was just coming to see his daughter, but I could see things slipping back to normal. On Thursday, Jasmina told me the news "I found a job!" She was going to be working at a clothing store in town. It was such a good opportunity for her. It would provide consistent income and hours without requiring her to work such hard labor in the sugar cane fields. I was thrilled for her! I even offered to babysit Katalin while she worked. This would give her a free, safe place for her daughter while she worked and give me all day to pour the Lord's love and truth into my sweet goddaughter. I longed for that time with her.
 
    I arrived at 6:30 the next morning to pick up Katalin. I was looking forward to my time with this sweet baby girl whom my heart just adores and loved that Jasmina was taking steps toward a better life for them both. Jamina informed me that she would be going to work late because she had a meeting about possibly receiving land that she had to be at that morning. More good news. She was working toward having both steady income of her own and a home of her own separate from her family. So I left promising to return later to pick up Katalin before Jasmina had to be at work…

    When I returned, Jasmina and her boyfriend, Surdo, were sitting in the hammock surrounded by the myriad of men who always seem to be passing their days in that house drinking and talking. Katalin was sitting in a little chair playing. I asked Jasmina, "Are you ready for me to take Katalin so that you can go to work?" She informed me that Surdo doesn't want her to work so she had decided not to take the job. I just sat there dumbfounded. So then I asked about the meeting for the land. "Oh, he didn't want to go this morning so we just stayed here." she responded. I just couldn't believe it. Once again, she is walking away from every opportunity for a better life and returning to the familiar abuse and control. I didn't know what to say. I just picked Katalin up from her chair in the dirt, held her in my arms, kissed her cheek, and began to pray silently. I stayed and visited as long as I could. Then I placed Katalin back in her chair. She began to cry as I got up to leave. I kissed her cheeks again and then just walked away. As I walked back to my house, I allowed the tears that I had been holding back to slide down my cheeks. 

    I love these two lovely girls. I want so much more for them. And yet I know that it's not my decision to make. Jasmina is an adult and has to make her own decisions. As much as my heart wishes that Katalin were mine, she's not. I am not her mother and I do not have the authority to decide what is best for her. It's heartwrenching to watch Jasmina continually return to this abusive, controlling relationship. Every time I think about what Katalin will grow up seeing and believing about herself and her worth as a woman, the tears begin again. Until Jasmina wants something different, there is nothing that I can do to change their situation. I can pray and I can hope, but nothing will change until Jasmina truly desires change. I understand that these decisions are not mine to make, but I can't seem to wrap my heart around peace or serenity in accepting the reality of their situation. I just can't seem to find that peace in my heart.