My Journey: A Heart FULLY Alive

   I am asked all the time, "Why Nicaragua? Why Candelaria? Of all the places that you've been, why was that place so different?" Yes, it's absolutely gorgeous here (as you can see in this photo by Justin Marshall), but that's not why I'm here. For four years now, my only response has been because "I feel more alive here than I do anywhere else. I can't explain it, but I just know that my heart feels alive here in a way that it just doesn't other places." That's all that I've ever known to say. Until now….

   I was sitting in my first family worship session since being back in Nicaragua. The Spirit was thick all around me. It was in that moment that I realized the reason that I feel so alive here. This life pushes me deeper into the Lord's heart and His presence. My life here is really beautiful, but it's also very intense almost all of the time. Sometimes it is working through as a communtiy the grief of Anthony's drowning, holding women in my arms as they weep and recount their childhood rapes or traumas, fighting for life with sweet Jayson, loving the broken, pushing teenagers to MORE in Christ, praying truth over unloved children, or becoming a safe place for babies in abusive homes. Some days this life is completely heartbreaking and others it is so glorious and triumphant, but everyday it requires ALL of my heart and then some. It is this full engagement of my heart; a life that requires more than I have to give that makes me feel so alive.
    It is only when I am pushed into something greater than myself that I am forced deeper into the Father's heart. And I need to be cajoled into dependence. I, in myself, am independent. I always have been. From the time I was two years old, my favorite saying was, "I do it all by myself." My flesh was made for independence, but my Spirit thrives on dependence. 
    For most of my life, I lived a life that was good. It was even full of doing things for the Lord and helping other people, but it was all very manageable. A lot of times I could do it even with my heart on auto-pilot. Even after more than 2 years here, this is not a life that I can live without fully engaging my heart. It's beautiful and rewarding, but it's also tragic and heartbreaking and so much more than I can manage in my own strength. There have been many times, especially in the last year, that I have thrown my hands up in the air, cheeks streaked with tears, and literally shouted at the Lord that I couldn't handle anymore heartbreak screaming out my desperation for Him to show up and come through. And He always does.
   I've realized that I need the intensity. I need the beauty and the heartbreak and the glory- I need all of it because it pushes me deeper into the Lord's heart. It is only in the depths of His heart that mine comes fully alive. So, here I am in Candelaria diving into a life that's so much bigger than what I'm actually capable of (and getting bigger all the time as I step toward my long-term dreams) fully expecting my Jesus to meet me here. It's deeper LIFE than I've ever known!