A Letter to my Boys: “You Changed Me”

Disclaimer: This blog is extremely personal and raw. I debated for a long time about whether or not to post it, but I wanted to honor these two precious boys for who they are and for the ways that the Lord used them in my life.
   I have been thinking a lot about Anthony and Jayson lately. I can't even explain exactly what has been stirring these losses within my heart over the last several weeks or why there are still moments that it feels so raw and fresh that their deaths could have occurred yesterday. Whatever the reason, my two precious boys have taken up almost constant residence in my thoughts recently. I have thought so much about the ways in which they have changed me. The ways that the Lord used their lives to guide mine.

Anthony,
   You changed my life. If it weren't for you, I would not be here living this life that I love so much. You led me here. Your vulnerability, your heart, and the glorious beauty of the Lord transforming your life made my heart hunger to return.
   I remember the first day that your walls cracked and you allowed us to see your hurting heart. I remember the glory of the afternoon that you gave your life to the Lord and your smile that radiated hope and new life as you rose from the baptism waters. I remember how my heart longed to walk with you and Andres as He transformed your lives. So, I returned. For you. (Marlon, Anthony, and Andres- the boys who made me want to move to Nicaragua- August 2008)

   I loved being a part of your life. I loved being your big sister. I loved every joke, the way your smile lit up your entire face, your moments of unexpected vulnerability (which were becoming more and more frequent), the fire in your eyes when the Lord moved on your heart, the depth of your concern for your family, the bigness of your joy and sense of adventure, your goofiness that always made me laugh, the dreams that had begun to fill your heart, and the way that you loved me.

   When I think about all the goodness of having you in my life and then think about the fact that you're gone, the loss still feels big enough to swallow me whole. It's been over a year since your death and sometimes the weight of losing you sends my heart reeling like a sudden, overwhelming shock coursing through me. There are still moments when I hear someone yell out "enana" or make a loud whoop-whoop sound just as the room has quieted down and instinctively I glance up my heart fully expecting to see you standing there smiling ear-to-ear. I know that you aren't here, but every time my heart is shocked again by the realization that you're gone. Losing you has been the most earth-shatteringly difficult thing I have ever faced. I miss you everyday. I never knew that someone could be so painfully absent and so completely present all at the same time.

    I don't think that I will ever stop missing you, but I have found solace in all of the life that has sprung forth in the midst of your death. When I think about your life and death, John 12:24 always pops into my mind, "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." You brought life to people's hearts. In your life and also in your death. I have seen so many of your friends' hearts changed through facing your death and finding more of the Lord in the midst of their grief. My own heart has changed. 
    
    I will be forever grateful that the Lord placed you in my life. Your life changed me in a thousand little ways. My desire to love you better and to help you know the Lord's heart, led me deeper into His heart. I know Him better because of knowing you. And I'm forever grateful. I cannot wait for the day when death no longer separates us. I cannot wait to throw my arms around you in a huge hug and hear all the things that you have seen and known of the Lord in this past year of walking in the fullness of His presence. I love you my brother!  

Jayson,
    Your life and your death changed me my sweet boy. Walking with you and your family through your death was one of the hardest and most beautiful things that I have ever experienced. It was you who gave me the courage to step into all that the Lord has for me.
    When I think of you, my heart and mind is still torn between the sound of your precious laugh and the sight of you slipping away in that dimly lit hospital room. I can never seem to just capture your life in my memories. Your illness, fraility, a childhood lost, all that was stolen from you is constantly before me. I try to chase it away with the sound of your jingling laughter or with memories of running and playing together in the church. (Jayson- before his illness- June 2011).
   However, it was your death, more than anything else, that gave me the courage to step forward and follow the Lord into becoming a foster mom. I remember sitting at your grave letting the hurt and grief rise up around me and knowing deep in my spirit that I could do it all again. I could face the loss for the sake of love. Jayson you led me to a deeper place of dependence upon Jesus. You helped me to find a strength in my heart that I didn't know existed. You gave me the courage to step out in following the Lord down a path that will inevitably lead to losing more children that my heart desperately loves.
   I loved you. I loved who you are. I loved your beautiful laugh that could make even the worst day better. I loved the resiliency of your joy. I loved hearing you yell my name from your yard, receiving you in my arms as your mom passed you to me over the fence, and running and playing until we were too exhausted to run anymore. I loved your clumsy gallop as you ran. I loved your bravery and strength as you nodded yes, you wanted to fight for life. I loved loving you.
    Your life and your death have changed me. They have forever marked my heart. You taught me that love is the only life worth living. You showed me the hurts of losing someone (and the hurts are tremendous) can never outweigh the joys of loving them. Thank you sweet Jayson. I will never be the same because of you.