I Will Not Forget…

   I am eternally an optimist. I usually skip through life seeing and believing the best about everyone and everything. The same is true for me here in Nicaragua. Yes, I am surrounded by overwhelming poverty and brokenness, but what I see most is the unbelievable glory of God displayed throughout this place. However, I also began praying three years ago while I was on the World Race (apply here!), “Lord break my heart for what breaks Yours!!” It is a dangerous prayer because it is a prayer that the Lord answers. While I usually stand awestruck at the display on His splendor in this place, there are days (and sometimes weeks) that the Lord breaks my heart again for the things that break His heart. This has been one of those weeks. 

   In the past week I have been surrounded by so many things that just cause my heart to cry out before the Lord. There has been so much hurt and brokenness everywhere I turn. If you read my recent blog post, Difficult Realities, then you have an idea what I am talking about, but allow me to give you a deeper look into the hurt that has been surrounding me this past week…

   I spent a couple of days at the beach (one of those days also happened to be the 3-month anniversary of Anthony’s death). I was surrounded by the ache of losing Anthony. His loss is a constant, throbbing ache among us. I am  surrounded daily by reminders of this loss: the youth who still have nightmares each night, his mom laying in bed crying or even her beautiful smile that is so much like Anthony’s, all the moments when he should be here, but isn’t. It hurts. It breaks my heart that we live in a world where children of the Lord can be destroyed by His creation, where parents bury their children, and where death separates us from those we love. My heart screams, “This is not how it should be!” I can continue to bring comfort to those who mourn and seek the Lord to comfort my broken heart. I can rest in the promises of eternity, but I cannot take away the pain and effects that death and tragedy bring to our lives.

   I held my precious baby Junieth. At first, I was just so excited to see
that her infection was clearing up (to read the first part of this
story, read Difficult Realities), but then I began questioning why
things are the way they are. Why did she have to suffer an entire
week without medication in a home where there are always men sitting in
the yard drinking and smoking? How is there no money for medication
when there is always money for liquor and cigarettes? It is unfair. I
can give her medication. I can love her, visit her, and pray over her.
However, I cannot change the fact that she lives in a family full of
drunken men. I cannot change the fact that their desires are met above
the needs of the family.

  
I spent an afternoon playing cards with the adults in this same family.
I remember looking into the eyes of one of the guys (who they call
Quemado) and seeing his face covered in scars from a machete attack last
month, his hand rendered useless from a rotting burn where he was
electrocuted a couple weeks ago, and a deep emptiness in his eyes. I can
see that he is on a path that will lead to nothing except death and
destruction. In fact, if he doesn’t change his lifestyle, he will likely
be killed soon. My heart broke for him. I can continue to build
relationships with this family. I can share with them the Lord’s love. I
can show them that a different life is possible. However, I cannot make
him desire the Lord. I cannot make him change his life.

   I sat in the dirt playing with Jayson, Laila, and Julissa (to read this story, read Encountering
Hope). I laughed with little Jayson. I rejoiced over the life I saw in
him that day. I loved seeing the effects of his disease fade into the
background for a little while. While his laughter was the most beautiful
sight imaginable, it does not change the fact that the tumor remains in
his brain. It does not change the fact that pain and disease are robbing
him of a care-free childhood. These are realities that I cannot change.

  
I sat on the couch holding her hand and listening as one of my
teenagers confessed her fears that she may be pregnant. I listened as
she talked. I prayed for her. I came back the next day to talk with her
about how she felt after she had taken a pregnancy test and discovered that she
is indeed preparing to become a single mom. I spoke truth over her and
loved her. I can continue to stand by her and support her, but I cannot undo
the things that have already been done. I cannot make her wait for the
Lord’s best for her life. I cannot change the fact that her child will
be another child growing up in a broken home.

  
All of these things have left thousands of questions swarming my head
and heart. Why Lord? Where is the end of all of this brokenness? I have spent countless hours this week crying out before the Lord. Being surrounded by this hurt and brokenness reminds me of how I felt a couple of years ago during my time in Swaziland. I had never been in a place so filled with hopelessness (to read some of those stories, check out the following Swazi blog posts: All I Have to Offer, The End of Myself, A Mother’s Desperate Plea, and Who Will Speak for Him? (Part 1)) I remember being so overwhelmed by the hopelessness of that nation that it was hard for me to even see the face of the Father. I want to have my heart broken for things that break the Lord’s heart, but I do not want to lose my firm footing in His hope. I realized this morning that things do not have to feel the same as they did in Swaziland. I am not the same. I have a deeper understanding of the Lord’s love. My feet are more firmly planted in His truth and presence. There is hurt in this place, but I am not without hope. 

   This morning we were singing Your Love is Everything by Jesus Culture. We sang “Your LOVE heals every disease” and my heart just screamed “YES! Lord Jesus bring the healing power of Your love!”
I have to remember that while there are things that I cannot change;
there is NOTHING that my Jesus cannot change. And there is immense power
in my prayers. So I prayed. I prayed for healing for Jayson’s tumor. I
prayed for healing in families. I prayed for healing in the brokenness
in the men’s lives.

   The end of this song says, “I will not forget NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. I will not forget, not forget Your love.”
I need to allow the Lord to break my heart. If you are surrounded by this type of hurt and tragedy and your heart isn’t broken, then you are missing a part of the Father’s heart. This week my heart is breaking for the hurt and destruction that I see around me. It is breaking for a world that is so far from that which my God created. It hurts me. It’s not how things should be! But… I WILL NOT FORGET. I will not forget the face of my God who is steadfast and faithful. I will not forget that my God is the source of ALL life, peace, love, grace, redemption, restoration, and hope.