I Cry Out!

     If I’m being really sincere and vulnerable right now, my heart has been so broken and burdened lately. There have been many situations that have been adding to this heaviness, but the biggest part of it has been about my beautiful hijas, Juanita and Jessica (pictured right).
     The Lord has given these two girls to me to love. They are mine. They are the daughters of my heart and they say that I’m the mama that the Lord gave them. I love them with all of my heart! I love them in a way that’s so different and greater than my love for the other beautiful kiddos that I love here. For more on their story, read: Lives Interwined by the Holy Spirit, Shattered Lives and Redeeming Love, The Beauty of Today, and They Call me Mama.
 
     The more that I see their situation, the more I fall in love with their sweet spirits, the more my heart breaks for them and longs for the family the Lord has promised me.
     This time last year as the Lord began to open doors for my promised family and for the Abide home, my heart sort of freaked out. I was constantly swinging back and forth between absolute elation laughing in joy over the Lord’s work and between overwhelming fear that I was in so far over my head as I prepared my heart to dive into single motherhood. I laughed and I cried a lot in those summer months (if you doubt my crazy emotional swings, ask any of our wonderful summer staff from 2012; they saw and dealt with so much of my craziness). However, my lovely girls changed all that.  
 
     Yes, it is still a really huge thing that will change everything about my life. Yes, I still feel ill-equipped to be a single mom, especially to kids who carry so much brokenness and wounding. But something changed in my heart. My heart no longer swings between longing for this and desiring to run from it. My girls have given my heart a peace and steadfastness. Now I wholeheartedly long to move forward in this dream for family.
And now to make things even more complicated… when my heart wavered, doors were swinging open and the process rushed ahead under the Lord’s favor. Now that my heart is steadfast, everything is moving so slowly, held up in bureaucracy and I have to fight for every step forward. Granted the Lord warned me this was coming. He told me in December, “This is a year of persevering in the face of adversity…you need to see what you really want and fight for those things. As you do, you will communicate to the others involved that they are loved and worth fighting for…” And I’m learning what my heart really wants and I’m learning to fight for it in prayer and in practical ways.
 
     I want my girls to be mine. I want to be a mom to them. I want to help them walk toward healing and wholeness. I find myself crying out for them and on their behalf. I’ve watched how their situation is becoming more difficult. Their aunt, who is currently caring for them, is wonderful and truly loves them (The girls pictured below right with their aunt). However, her health is poor. The stress of providing for and counseling them is only compounding her health issues. Their dad is so inconsistent in his involvement in their lives. When he is present, he is affectionate with his girls. But he will disappear for a week or more at a time as he goes on drinking binges. He is receiving money that is supposed to be for the girls’ care, but he hasn’t given any to their aunt. There is a great deal of stress between the dad and the caregiving family. I know my girls need a home where they are safe, loved, and can be provided for. I know I can and want to be that for them.

    I find my heart crying out more and more. Crying out for healing in my girls' hearts, for redemption over the situation, for breakthrough and release in the bureaucracy, and for the fulfillment of the Lord's promises. I know that He is good. I know that He is faithful. I know that He always fulfills His promises. But it's time to cry out, to push through, and to learn to battle in prayer because the Lord also told me this year: