grateful.

This is a continuation of my previous blogs: drowning and closure. If you haven’t read them, please read them first.

   I went to the beach for the first time since Anthony drown. As soon as I heard the waves, smelled the salt water, and saw the shore, all the emotion of those days came flooding back. I felt what I felt the last time I was at the beach- sprinting, sprinting, running out of my shoes and continuing to run with only one thought in my head “I have to find my kids! I have to get to them.” I ran straight to them embracing them and telling them I loved them as we all just sobbed together.
   As I set foot on the beach again, I just felt all of that hurt all over again. I spent the majority of the weekend just crying on the beach as I sat staring at pictures of Anthony and talking about him.
   I know the reality. I know Anthony is with Jesus and is doing so well. I know that he is now walking in everything that I have ever wanted for him. But I miss him. And it hurts. I have lost people that I love before, but it’s the first time I’ve lost someone who is a part of my every day life. It’s so different. When you lose someone, you miss them in general, but the grief is much more acute in those moments when you would expect them to be there. The hard part about losing Anthony, is that I expect him to be there all the time. There is nothing that I do in a day that I don’t expect to see him. It means that the grief and the pain is so real all the time.
   In the afternoon, I went walking down the beach talking partly to the Lord and mostly to Anthony. (Perhaps it makes me sound crazy that I walk down the beach alone talking aloud to someone who passed away almost two months ago, but nonetheless, I find myself doing it really often.) So I was telling Anthony how much I miss him. How proud I am of who he became, but how much I long to hug him and to see him smile. As I am walking, crying, and talking to Anthony, all of the sudden a story about my Granny Huddy pops into my head… random I know. 
   I remember this one time I was in the end of elementary school or the beginning of middle school and my grandma’s power had been out for three days. When the power came back on, Granny wrote a letter to the power company saying “I know that you are probably getting tons of letters and phone calls complaining about the power outages, but I just wanted to let you know that these past three days made me incredibly thankful for the other 362 days a year that we had power. I just wanted to tell you thank you. You are doing a great job.” I remember thinking even then that this is the kind of person that I want to be– someone who finds reasons for gratefulness and joy when other people find a reason to complain and be angry. I know it seems like a random time to think about that story, but the Lord was speaking to me in that moment.
  Everyone keeps telling me that it’s ok to take time to be angry to feel whatever I need to feel. Honestly, I’m not angry. I haven’t been angry. I understand the reality of what has happened. Anthony is walking with the Lord in eternity. He is fully alive and walking in EVERYTHING that I could ever want for him. How can I be angry about that? Yes. I miss him. Yes, I still cry a lot, but in that moment all I could think was how overwhelmingly grateful I felt.
  I am so grateful for the 2 1/2 years that the Lord allowed me to share with Anthony. And not only did the Lord give me 2 1/2 years with him, but He gave me the best 2 1/2 years of Anthony’s life. I was able to be there for the entire part of his life that included the Lord. I was there when he accepted Christ. I was there when he was baptized. I was there to see him grow in his dreams and walk more in his identity in Christ. I am so grateful!
   As I was overwhelmed by this gratitude and thanking the Lord, this Stephen Roach song- There is Room Enough to Dream came on the ipod. It says, “There is more than we could ask or imagine. More that we’ve seen. There is more land to be taken; there are nations to be shaken. There is more praise to be given; there are hearts to be awakened.” I just got so excited that there is still MORE. There are so many more hearts that need to be awakened to the Lord- like Anthony was awakened. Grateful.